Step Dad Uncle Coach

February 12, 2017

Love Notes to D.C. - Asking Our Elected Officials to Reject Hate

Read aloud by Adam MacLean

Often on a first date I like to ask “So, what are your search terms?”

If the guy is lame he’ll usually say, “what do you mean?”  

If the guy is cool he’ll usually take a beat and answer right away. Recent answers have ranged from:

“hairy, group, bareback” to “inter-racial, bukkake, cream pie” and the ever popular “Bear, daddy, twink”.

I’m endlessly fascinated by the guys who say “blood, bondage, torture”.

I helped with the release of a terribly titled book a few years ago called Your Brain on Sex by Stanley Siegel. The original, better title had been Intelligent Lust and it dealt with a theory in psychology that every person’s sexual fantasies are a window into who we really are. The theory proposes that as human beings, we’re geared toward self-healing. Be it a small cut in our skin, or a deep psychological wound. At some point during the heightened sexuality of adolescence we unconsciously eroticize unmet needs or unresolved conflicts from childhood. Our sexual fantasies are evidence of coping mechanisms.

After reading the book I came to see people’s porn search terms as a fast track to finding out where they’re really coming from.

Now, to say that plain-vanilla search terms reveal a plain-vanilla person is short-sighted. The flip-side to this book’s theory is that our fantasies can also be developed as a way to block out unresolved conflicts. So, when I asked a totally nice, totally relaxed guy what his search terms were and he said, “you say yours first” I said, “Ok, - Step dad, uncle, coach.”

His face showed a look of horror but then he took a moment to think.  He revealed he didn’t really feel like he had search terms. He said, “I don’t know, just watch whatever is on the home page at SeanCody.com”  

Admittedly, I felt like this made him the Fox News-viewing Trump Voter of porn consumers.

We got to talking more and he said he didn’t feel like he could go deeper into a porn worm hole because he thought it would mean he had a sick and twisted mind. He had lived a childhood of very strict rules and shame.  

I explained flippantly “C’mon…..I grew up desperate for strong male role models and attention from adults in my life…I was bullied in gym class and dreaded playing team sports with other boys…seems like “Step Dad Uncle Coach” is a reasonable response to that upbringing.”

 Since that date together he read the book, went on an epic expedition into the dark edges of Porn Hub and found he’s a “Swim Team, Blindfold, DP” guy. (If you don’t know what “DP” is, I’m not going to describe it here.) 

But now the real question is, where else can we use this as a “getting to know you” test?

 Can we ask our elected officials when they’re preparing to run for office?  

 If Donald Trump even knows how to search the internet I feel like he just Googles himself or “why didn’t my dad hug me more?”  

 But seriously, the question on everyone’s lips is obviously for Mike Pence: 

 “Mike – honestly – what are your search terms?”

 I feel like the answer is probably just: “priest priest priest.”